Ella: Yeah! Truth is stranger than fiction, eh?

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The truth shall set you free. Secrets are unhealthy.

I think the only question is timing for the 7 year old and how to find the proper professional help to assist in protecting her from psychological harm.

Between the geographical distance issues, the bio mother’s apparent resistance to reveal the truth/tell the twins the truth/”allow” the twins to develop a relationship with their bio dad, etc… it could be a challenge to explain the whole situation to a 7 year old.

That does not mean that secrets are healthy. They are not.

Professional help is important and I would definitely suggest consulting some sort of Marriage and Family Counselor.

In the end, though, you and the bio dad need to go with your gut regarding the timing of telling the 7 year old. There is no doubt that she needs to know and has a right to know. The question is when and how.

Mia wisely pointed out something that occurred to me before I read her comment. It is important for siblings (half-siblings or not) to know about each other in case a medical situation were to arise where the genetic link could really matter. I don’t just mean for something like a transplant where mathching is involved. Even “simple” things like shared illnesses or allergies could be helpful to both the twins and the 7 year old.

It sounds like you really don’t know WHAT the twins know since you aren’t sure it was them writing the request for no contact. The twins have a right to know. The only way to be sure they know is for the bio dad to tell them. They are adults. If they haven’t been told by age 26, it’s unlikely the bio mom has any intention of ever telling them!

If the twins elect not to develop a relationship, the bio dad can’t necessarily “force” the issue but he can take measures to keep track of where they are. Someday they could change their mind! If the bio dad loses track of where they might be, it will be really tough on everyone.

Even if he isn’t in direct contact with the twins (i.e. if they flat out ask to be left alone in no uncertain terms), he is their bio dad and he has a right to know where they are, that they are safe, and how to find them if needed. It obviously must be handled delicately.

Who knows what the bio mom told them?? If she lied about being single and on birth control when that was not true, the road may be difficult… but the truth must come out eventually.

You definitely want the 7 year old to hear it from her parents when the time is right. There is no question in my mind that the 3 girls/women/sisters must know about each other at some point in time. You can’t control how the twins will behave. They may well turn away and not want to develop a relationship after all this time. This may hurt the 7 year old (and others). This is where the counseling is key.

While the 7 year old has a right to know the truth, she also needs to understand that it is NOTHING she did to make the twins not want to meet her, talk with her, etc!

Children can misunderstand in such situations and internalize things that are not about them. Once the 7 year old is told the truth, she needs to know that what the twins and bio mom do/say or don’t do/say is not related to anything the 7 year old has done.

She needs to understand that this is a difficult problem even for “grown-ups” to handle and that you know she may have questions. Be available for questions. Be honest in your answers.

With her young age, you don’t need to volunteer too much info. She will ask questions based on what she is ready to hear. That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt if the twins/bio mom do not respond the way you all would like.

You cannot control them. You can control what info is presented to the 7 year old and how it is presented. You can make the 7 year old feel comfortable sharing her feelings about it. You can involve a counselor to work through it.

You can share your feelings with the 7 year old (i.e. you might say, “I wish that the twins could call or write but they are not comfortable doing that. This makes me sad but I can’t control their actions or make their decisions for them. I CAN control how I react to this situation. It’s OK to be sad or angry that you can’t see or talk with the twins”.

Obviously this wording may be a bit over her head but you get the idea. The 7 year old needs to feel like she has a right to express her feelings, a right to FEEL them, and a right to know the truth.

You can explain that life is not always fair. You can let her know that she can talk with you about ANYTHING.

You are very astute. You are handling this thoughtfully. You are not taking any of it lightly. The 7 year old will be OK. She may not like it. However, she should know the truth.

Secrets are unhealthy. My therapist and I have discussed the dangers of secrets festering. This was not about this sort of secret — but secrets, in general, are not the healthiest way to handle things.

Just because the bio mom decided to handle things as she did does not diminish the rights of the 7 year old and the twins.

It does not mean that the bio father should be cut out of the picture just because the bio mom chose to lie for so many years.

The trick with the twins and the bio father is that the twins have had years to form their own opinions, be “brainwashed” by their bio mom, or a combination of both.

Their perspective of reality may be quite distorted. Therefore the bio dad has to use caution not to “force” the relationship on the potentially unwilling twins because it will likely backfire.

At the same time, the twins might be thrilled to meet the bio dad. You just don’t know.

I would try to get some idea of where the twins are coming from before telling the 7 year old if you can. At least get the “lay of the land”. If they are bitter, angry and/or have no desire to have a relationship with their bio dad, then you will better know how to tell the 7 year old the truth is the least hurtful way. The truth must still come out, in my opinion. I think it’s just a matter of WHEN.

With professional help, the 7 year old’s parents will find the right time and place to let her know the truth.

Secrets contaminate relationships, breed problems, hurt people, and even make people ill!

The truth is key.

Everything will work out the way it is meant to. Believe that it will. It may not go exactly as you wish. It will unfold as it is meant to, though. Believe that. Your thoughtful manner and great planning will ease the 7 year old into a healthy acceptance in the long run. It may be tough at first but kids are resilient. She will be OK. The twins absolutely need to be told by the bio father because they might not even know! You won’t know the truth on that until the bio dad talks with the twins.

Jeanne

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Robbi: Me too, I’m all for this childlike state I’ve gotten myself back too, lovin’ it.

Budda: Amen to the truth. Thank you.

Robin: Your input is very astute as to the dad fearing rejection. I believe that has been part ot it indeed. Thank you.

Patricia: Yes, step-by-step, inch by inch. Thank you.

Mia: Delicately, yes. And the more blessings, the merrier, right? Thank you.

Vered: Thank you. Your words are much appreciated.

Rhett: Thank you. T’would be easier were they just around the corner, but possibly London, UK or Montreal. Maybe Bermuda.

Barbara: Very wise words, indeed. “When they are ready for the truth.” Thank you.

Heather: Nope, no abuse, no drugs, no neglect. Just ordinary people making choices that have perpetuated a secret. And for what it’s worth, I’m not sure kids could ever really grow to love another mother more. You sound like a prize of a mom. I’m so glad I “met” you.

Dot: More very wise words, thank you.

Garry: Interesting. I would never go as far as to say “criminal” on the mom’s part. Mixed up, yes. She did have bit a hard childhood but overcame it. And from all I’ve ever seen has been a great mom to the twins. Really. I’ve spent some time with her and them, well years ago. Now all that remains is to untangle the web, classic example of “oh, what a tangled web we weave…” Dang that Shakespeare guy was good.

Momisodes: Thanks. The bio-dad’s heart and mine are more than open. I think the mom’s will be too eventually, when she realizes she is set free.

Cricket: I apologize for thsi being so convoluted and I can understand how you’ve pikced up the little sister is 12, as I did mention the part about when the twins were 12. But she is actually 7. Seven going on 24. Oh yeah, lots of love around that little one. She’ll be more than fine.

Jo: Thanks. I know it is complicated, but it’s hard to tell it any other way.

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