Job Ap Essay
Rooftop Yodeling, Seriously Weird | Posted by Jannie on 12 January 2009 @ 11:33 AM 37 Comments
Did y’all think I was up drinking beer with the angels ’cause I haven’t posted for 4 whole days? Nope, not going to get rid of Jannie quite yet, but I did give Rosie (lovely sister depicted in photo above,) my blog login info, just in case…
So… this weekend while searching through a box of old papers for my “Taming Your Psychotic Hamster” manual I came across the 97-word essay I wrote once to supplement the veterinarian’s assistant job ap I filled out. I was perfect for the position but never did get a call-back. What oh what, could have gone awry? I mean, was there something I said in the essay below that could’ve put them off?
“I’m qualified for this job because I’m continually dancing. I got a college education in the bathroom where I majored in biscuits and I consider myself very fragrant and wholesome because I’ve worked as a chandelier. I’ll be working to support my porcelain husband and our three dentists, am looking for a job that pays between $4.00 and $2799.00 a year and I have extensive experience using staccato leg-lifts and a whisper. Moreover, I have a naked attitude that makes me good for ice skating. I think these, among other qualifications, make me right for this rubber job!”
(Okay, so I did it Mad-lib style but what was I missing?)
On 12 January 2009 at 11:45 am Lisa said,
You know, I wanted to be a veterinarian when I was a kid… but then I developed a quirky sense of humor. And everyone knows that veterinarians can’t handle a quirky sense of humor. So I’m pretty sure that’s what contributed to the demise of your vet assistant hopes… heehee…
Lisa’s last blog post..The loot…
On 12 January 2009 at 11:53 am Retro Heather said,
I’d have hired you!
I’ll bet they talk about that job app to this day. See what an impact you’ve had? Git ‘em Jannie!
Retro Heather’s last blog post..Nugget from Plain Jane Mom
On 12 January 2009 at 12:18 pm Real Julie said,
Sorry you didn’t get the call back…maybe it was the major in “biscuits?” You should have double majored in “biscuits and gravy” then maybe you would have made the cut!
On 12 January 2009 at 12:36 pm Vered - MomGrind said,
I’m with Heather – I would have hired you too, or at least it would have made me curious enough to want to meet you.
On 12 January 2009 at 12:38 pm Belle Bamford said,
What the hell was their problem? You were clearly too qualifed for the position! Screw them. Just think. You would not have become a famous writer if they had hired you. Everything for a reason!
Belle Bamford’s last blog post..THE WEATHERMAN
On 12 January 2009 at 12:52 pm debbie said,
Some businesses just don’t know how to choose good employees. They have probably kicked themselves each and every day since letting you slip by.
debbie’s last blog post..Time keeps on slipping into the future
On 12 January 2009 at 1:01 pm Dot said,
The only thing I see wrong about this essay is that it’s way too SHORT! But also, be glad you didn’t become a veterinarian because they’re the ones who have to put the sweet animals to death.
Dot’s last blog post..New Year’s Resolutions
On 12 January 2009 at 1:51 pm wade said,
Thanks for the cute picture of Rosie. Have not gotten around to reading your blog yet. Assume that it is amusing.
On 12 January 2009 at 3:21 pm Caity said,
I totally would’ve hired you on the spot!! Anyway, that was super cute. Thanks for sharing it. Also, I love the picture! I love older photos.
Caity’s last blog post..Different goals.
On 12 January 2009 at 4:08 pm Lane Savant said,
I, too, would have hired you on the spot.
Made you CEO the next day.
But, somehow, my application for the business license was never approved.
BTW,
It was snakes what started it all.
By hissing.
Which led to growling.
Which led to Chirping
Which led to Luciano Pavoratti.
And Aretha.
Lane Savant’s last blog post..More about the Seattle Symphony.
On 12 January 2009 at 5:26 pm Carla said,
They should have realized that every vet clinic needs someone who is continually dancing. What were they thinking?
Carla’s last blog post..Perspective is Everything
On 12 January 2009 at 6:09 pm Stephanie said,
I would have hired you based on the salary alone. Where are you going to find such talent for $4.00 per year! Every office needs someone who can provide entertainment.
Stephanie’s last blog post..Grocery Cart
On 12 January 2009 at 6:10 pm Talon said,
Dear Mr. Wunster
We are giggling to ignore you. While you have gifted and limp monkeys, we hoola-hooped to bounce a graduate of the twirling school.
Thank you for your nest.
Dr. Wannabeaballerina
(Love the sweet photo)
Talon’s last blog post..Wolf Moon
On 12 January 2009 at 6:21 pm Georgie B said,
Excellent free form prose.
I like it.
You would have made the perfect government worker.
Georgie B’s last blog post..Deconstructing And Decommisioning (part 2)
On 12 January 2009 at 7:53 pm Lance said,
Jannie!
You’re awesome!!
Oh, and your sister – she looks so happy – having the keys to Jannie’s blog – life doesn’t get any better than that!!
Lance’s last blog post..Sunday Thought For The Day
On 12 January 2009 at 9:10 pm unitqm said,
I feel like I am using madlibs when I punch up my cover letter.
unitqm’s last blog post..Cafe Press
On 12 January 2009 at 9:38 pm TheWeyrd1 said,
Snicker…
TheWeyrd1’s last blog post..Sunday Surf – A Green Chili Recipe
On 12 January 2009 at 11:03 pm Tammy said,
Jannie
You are so funny. I love you for that. Hilarious. Obviously those people were blind to your potential. No worries, mail me that application and I’ll hook you up with my drug dealer. I’ll have you pimping out Cocaine in a few days. And that application will go over great cuz you will be over qualified for this position.
With all that drug money you can go buy that vet. clinic and fire them all. God is okay with the drug business as long as the money goes to a good cause…… BUT now the police might not see that you are such a visionary.
On 13 January 2009 at 12:28 am Jannie said,
Lisa: I’m sorry you didn’t get into your chosen profession. You know how they have those comedy driving schools? Maybe you could’ve gone that route as a vet. Or still could!
Heather: Yes, a friend said she saw my ap framed on their office wall but I didn’t have the heart to go back there in the face of such rejection.
Real Julie: Biscuits and gravy – yes – that must’ve been it!! Who likes their biscuits all dry and plain? Oh, woe is Jannie.
Vered: Yes, their lack of curiosity still astounds me to this day.
Belle: Yah! Famous. I showed THEM. They may have like 32 customers — well I have 37 faithful Jannie readers. So there – vet shop. Writing strange is the best revenge.
Debbie: I hear they actually went into receivership and the owners got boils and gargoyles all over their bodies. And all the dogs they treated for scabies went rabid. Or was it their scabbies went rabbies?
Dot: Way too short, yes. They stipulated under 98 words, tho. The first draft which I saved too had 5684 words, maybe I’ll post it sometime too.
Wade: Yes the photo just for you. Uproarious, actually. Not Schadenfreude uproarious and adding on a new room to the garage for shoe throwing at K.S. “Bud” Adams and such, but close.
Caity: Thanks. Yes older photos can be a lot of fun, my favorites ones of myself date from 2 to 4 years before I was born.
Lane: Your ap for the business license must’ve ended up in the same rejection pile as mine, them stomped on repeatedly by a monk in sackcloth with an axe to grind (literally to grind, one of those tree-chopping monks from your U.S. NW woods.)
Carla: Exactly! A priouetting lady to take dogs’ stool samples and stick them with rabid needles is all too under-rated in our largely non-dancing society.
Steph: I don’t get it either – and I’d never have asked for benefits or taken mental trauma leave, as I ended up doing with the mortuary assistant job I finally landed.
Talon: You hiring????? I won’t take a penny over $3.99 a year and insist on eating my lunch in the rain with baby guppies and mangled loads of summer insinuations.
Georgie B: I did – I did work a government job and someday will tell you all about my bureaucratic foray as a pastry quality control checker. Was a real interesting way to find out live rats do not make good housepets – but I digress.
Lance: Yes, the keys to my blog indeed – she can only improve things around here. Put up sparkles and flashing cursors and unflung bras and such.
Unitqm: That you should grace my page with your stumbled adulation is more than my jellied eyes can fathom. Thank you for your greatness of pressed cafes and poems on sticks. I am happy.
Weyrdie: Snickers? Umn I love those, especially frozen. Shoot but why’d I have to think about that when I’ve still got this Christmas Butt to contend with?
Tammy: Hey, I could write Viagara ads! Why didn’t I think of that before? I mean I’ve got the perfect crippling nonchalance of a grubstake believer in blue chiffon. Thanks, you’re the best.
And….. post this sucker!
On 13 January 2009 at 2:43 am SnaggleTooth said,
Dear Applicant,
I’m sorry, but the world is currently experiencing a hiring freeze, except in the Repo Man department.
Your application will remain on file in perpetuity, despite the fact we will not consider you for the position of bent-over-to-kick-in-the butt you requested.
Thankyou for wasting our time with your pathetic begging. Get ahold of yourself! Not there!
Sincerely,
The Jerk You Didin’t Want To Work For anyway.
SnaggleTooth’s last blog post..N Baby it’s Cold Outside
On 13 January 2009 at 3:30 am J.D. Meier said,
I can’t imagine what it was like to work as a chandalier, but I bet you were brilliant.
J.D. Meier’s last blog post..Avoid the Intelligence Trap
On 13 January 2009 at 5:54 am robbi said,
I have to think very hard about the funster working as a chandelier, not that she wouldn’t be capable but one wonders where the spare globes would go. As I recall the vet I used when I farmed once told me that the meaning of life was having your arm up to the elbow in a cows backside on a cold frosty morn.I think being a chandelier makes more appeal, at least you get to light up the room from time to time, and just think of the fringe benefits, all that glamour and bling .
robbi’s last blog post..Ink marks on a blank page Sunday 11th Jan
On 13 January 2009 at 6:53 am sheila said,
I think ALL apps should be filled out with MadLibs! The world would be a much funner place! lol
sheila’s last blog post..Honest, I Swear!
On 13 January 2009 at 6:54 am Lynn said,
Well I thing you would have been the funnest vet assistant ever!
Lynn’s last blog post..Nice man, exposed and facilitation
On 13 January 2009 at 10:28 am Glenn Buttkus said,
Dear Ms. Funster:
After reading your misidentification, we are saddened by our inability to menstruate our complete faith that someday you will kiss the olives of your true nature, and find bathos with your porcelain husband. We feel that your excellent face crack must be in part thanks to your supporting three dentists, being the only applicant to ever do so. As pointed out to you already precognitively, majoring in biscuits is never enough to snare toadstools or harness Medusas properly, think about whipping up some groovy gravy, and then reapply, but do not get your skirts raised because this is a dry county, and many senior citizens perculate here on a regular basis. Your pay projections seem within the parameters of our profession, but remember as an internist first, you would have to pay us for 12 days, and sign over all the Indian tobacco you have most assuredly hoarded since your girlhood in the Wilds of Canada. The staccato leg lifting will serve you well in whatever endeavor you ultimately choose since we ain’t got no intentions of honoring your incessant whispering, whining, and tremulous bra-flinging. We like that fact that you sent a photo, but the microphone seems to cover a lot of your naked attitude, and no one here really likes the guitar, except the hamsters, and you would have to declaw them first. Ice skating is strictly provided in this county as well, and your skates would be constipated the moment you put them on. If you do indeed have restless leg syndrome, and you suffer from the delusion that you are in fact dancing, we do suggest you contact a collegue of ours who specializes in representing artists of all kinds; and also sells several kinds of insurance. His name is Zanky Albo, and can be found in most phonebooks under Z. If you insist on procreating and selling rubber goods, there is a store five blocks from our premises that might accommodate you on Wednesday mornings after 5pm when you wear pink underwear but do not have to prove it. Thank you for the interest in the Vet’s Asst. position. Please recontact us when you graduate from secondary school or the beauty college, whichever comes first.
Gracefully Yours: Dr. Horsenuts
Glenn Buttkus’s last blog post..Singing in the Pain
On 13 January 2009 at 11:40 am Jannie said,
Snagalicious: It was you! A dim gong mentioned that was you behind that smiling veterinarian’s veneer. Well, I want you to know I made million in my first year at the undertaker’s. Yup.
J.D. You punster you. Good one! Yes, I shone like the gold and the glitterin’ stars, so I was told. Until I crashed. Ouch.
Robbi: Someone did try to artificially re-bulb me during my chandelier stint but I was having none of that nonsense! I electrocuted the poor guy, well only mildly, but he never came back.
Sheila! You my gal! Why not? The world is too serious a place to begin with. Let us fling our masks and bras with chagrinned abandon from every shore and ukulele.
Lynn: I still might be able to fulfil my dream one day. After I finish out this gig as a railroad tie inspector.
Dear Dr. Horsenuts: Since my ice skates have had the trots since I first met them, I’ve nine barrels of Indian tobacco hoarded, my gravy is like buttered beanie babies’ butts, Zanky Albo is my bra salesman and pink undies are all I ever wear, yours is obviously the best job I never got.
On 13 January 2009 at 2:01 pm Mama Zen said,
I TOLD you not to use me as a reference!
Mama Zen’s last blog post..Review: The Tutu Ballet
On 13 January 2009 at 2:25 pm Tammy said,
Jannie, now why do I get the distinct feeling that you would take a Viagra ad to a whole new level?
On 14 January 2009 at 12:40 am Jessica Bern said,
Did you really write that? I can clearly see how right you were for that job. what was that dr’s problem anyway?
On 14 January 2009 at 2:46 am Leon said,
Hey, how are you doing? Hope all is well and you are doing great. Would love to speak to you sometime.
Leon’s last blog post..Day and Night Burns Bright
On 14 January 2009 at 6:49 am Jannie said,
MamaZ: My goodness, you do have a rapist’s wit don’t you. Always wanted to use that line from Dumber & Dumber.
Tammy: I actualy did write those for a while, made $3.77 a week. Forsooth her purple moon crossed the piney path of kitty litter into a chained-up candlestick of wonder and woe(crap like that.)
Jessica: The main vet, I found out later, was trying to break off an affair with his mail-lady and his wife was holding him captive in their wood-shed, apparently he was the guy with the sense of humor. So I missed out.
On 14 January 2009 at 7:08 am Jannie said,
Leon: Thanks for gracing the wooden halls of my humble blog. Been to your blog – great stuff there. Loved that poem I commented on! See you soon.
On 14 January 2009 at 3:53 pm Patricia said,
Jannie,
I am so glad my internet stayed connected long enough for me to read this delight and all your great comments. I felt better than if I had been given a bone and 2 biscuits thank you so much
Patricia’s last blog post..Taking it On: Architecture2030 Challenge
On 14 January 2009 at 7:20 pm Cricket/Tammy said,
I just interviewed two people to today for a position that just opened at our office. If I had seen this come across my desk I would have been so curious to meet the person behind it.
You are too funny.
Cricket/Tammy’s last blog post..I Am
On 20 January 2009 at 7:31 pm Renee said,
You’re hired! I NEEDED someone knowledgable in all things biscuit AND the naked attitude is just a bonus!
Jannie, you are just absolutely the best and your sister is as pretty as you are
Renee’s last blog post..Don’t throw out your newspapers!
On 21 January 2009 at 11:04 am Jannie said,
Patricia: I aim to please. So glad you enjoyed the comments. Love ya!
Cricket: Maybe you could hire me for something someday? To play the ukulele maybe??
Renee: Dittoes back at ya Babe on “you’re the best!!”
On 21 January 2009 at 11:05 am Jannie said,
Oh Renee: Rosie is far prettier than I could ever hope to be. But thanks.