Mary, I’m Thinking
Friends | Posted by Jannie on 18 July 2011 @ 2:39 AM 40 Comments
There will be many more photos to find, of course.
And find them I will on winter afternoons when this house is quiet.
Or on spring mornings when the birds are too happy and I’m least expecting your face.
But there you’ll be.
And I’ll cry. Or smile. Or both.
“Further Along” we sang at your mother’s piano. And at my mother’s piano.
Further along we’ll understand why.
Do the pictures tell how special you were?
Because you were, tho you may not have known it, or chosen to believe.
Sorry I was not in touch so much the past year or so.
And sorry for the pain you must’ve suffered to keep drinking so much so young, your liver failing 2 nights ago.
EDIT – I just learned she bled internally from an ulcer. But she did have cirrhosis too. Poor Mary.
We all loved you. How could we not??
Knowing you knew I loved you gives me a bit of comfort now.
I’ve started writing you a song.
The chorus might begin… “Mary, I’m thinking it’s all about loving the ones still here…”
Rest with the angels, my dear dear sweet friend. And dance with them too.
Maryellen Murphy, October 1967 — July 2011.
Love, Jannie.
(All but the photo of Mary and me in Florida are from Jim and my Canadian wedding reception, Nova Scotia, 1992.
The gal in the flowery dress is my sister, Rosie, then only 15. Still extra super-cute. And sweet.
The gal in the black blazer, Marlene, and I lost touch years ago. I think she dumped me because I laughed when my dog chased her cat. If ever you read this, please forgive me, Marleni-Bandini. And can we try again? We have 2 cats now and I’m a True Believer, just got a new kitten 4 days ago.)
On 18 July 2011 at 5:39 am G said,
Lovely tribute to your friend, and I’m sure that the song will be just as poignant.
On 18 July 2011 at 6:18 am Hilary said,
Hi Jannie .. you’ve said it all .. and only they can answer why .. or someone far away, for whom there is no understanding …. life is a ‘funny old thing’ .. we do not know what’s ahead.
My thoughts are with you – the loss of a great friend to a disease that’s unfathomable to most of us …
With huge hugs – I know the emptiness you will be feeling … many thoughts .. for all of that – the pictures are glorious and you look ecstatic — xoxxo Hilary
On 18 July 2011 at 6:48 am Betsy Wuebker said,
Hi Jannie – I am so sorry for your loss. What lovely pictures – and they have a patina of the past to them; would it be the light? It’s so very hard to understand when we lose someone to their own devices. I know your musical tribute will be filled with the love you shared that shows so beautifully in these photos. xox
On 18 July 2011 at 6:58 am Lynn said,
I’m sorry about your friend, Jannie. {{{HUG}}}
On 18 July 2011 at 6:59 am jim in austin said,
Jannie – I am so sorry for your loss at Mary’s passing. You are a kind, sensitive person who is so special in a world where many are not that way. You’ll be with her some day – just hopefully not too soon! Your Jimmy who thinks of you with the intensity of 10 suns.
On 18 July 2011 at 7:03 am jim in austin said,
By the way, those photos of Jannie, Mary-Ellen and Jannie’s sister, Rosie, were taken one beautiful summer afternoon in Mahone Bay, Nova Scotia, back in 1992 as we prepared for our ’second’ wedding to include friends and family who could not make the first one in Texas. Everytime I looked at her, I kept pinching myself. Her song-writing matches her inner and outer beauty, and I know her tribute to her friend who left us a few days ago will be every bit as poignant as anyone could expect.
On 18 July 2011 at 7:04 am secret agent woman said,
Oh, I am sorry to hear that. What a lot of sadness must have been there behind the drinking.
On 18 July 2011 at 8:02 am suzen said,
Hi Jannie! Sending hugs! It’s so hard to lose somebody you loved. My aunt, who was my “mom substitute” for 30 years left to dance with the angels on July 4th – knowing her, with a bang no doubt. It sure leaves a void since she was always my “go to” for everything. Writing a song for your friend is such a loving tribute – and good therapy as well. More hugs!
suZen
On 18 July 2011 at 10:17 am Jannie said,
Dearest G — I sang to Mary into my iPhone recorder on Saturday, and some yesterday. I think the song is all written, just need to go in and see what words I have. I’m so sorry she had to die for me to write her a song. But maybe it’s one that can in some way help the world. And certainly help me to do nice things for the ones I love.
Hey, Dear Hilary, yes the emptiness comes and goes. I try to fill it up with doing good things. Appreciating the ones dear to me, letting them know and maybe even calling, writing letters and spending time with. It was a lovely day, yes, that August 1992 down by the fence at what was then Jim’s mom’s house. Now ours. It is weird not knowing what’s ahead, yes. But I think it’ll be surprising great, like this realm too. As Liara let me see “We are in this world, but not of it.”
Dearest Betsy, thank you. My cousing Helen, also another dear one took those shots with her 35 mm camera. It was light filtering from many leaves from up on the hill. I think the real “patina” was how young I looked!!
As times goes on I’m noticing a slight occasional tarnish to the patina. 
But only on the outside. Shining brighter on th inside, I hope. That last line is so beautiful, Betsy. Thank you. You touch my heart. You all do here.
Thank you, Dear Lynn. I didn’t realize just how far down she had gotten. We all wonder if there was more we could’ve done. She was my best Canadian girlfriend, really. I mean, outside my many family members whom I am very lucky to have, all of them good friends to me too. But Mary was special to me. And always will be. “Cheer up my brother. Live in the sunshine. We’ll understand it all by and by.” We also used to sing a lot of fun songs too. “Oh Lord, It’s Hard To Be Humble,” “Tell Me Darlin’ Tell Me Dear, What’s The Size Of Your Brasierre,” “Coca Cola Cowboy,” and many many more.
Jim Dearest, and I hope you notice me being more kind and sensitive to you since hearing of Mary’s passing. I have taken you for granted. And not baked you a cake in a while. 10 suns, that is a LOT. But not even a shadow of a snippet in time with all the light within and without. You have a super-extra-lot of light in you that shows every minute. Thanks Jim In Austin. I love you more than ever now. And thanks. For everything.
Dearest Secret Agent Woman, thank you. I expected maybe to get a call like that in another 10 years if Mary went on as she was. But not now. She wouldn’t go to a doctor when she was feeling especially sick the last few weeks. I hope she is finding peace for her sadness, which yes, must’ve been in comprehensibly deep. I will miss her until I see her again.
Dearest Susan, yes I feel a bit guilty about having songwriting to take the edges off all that ails me. I guess I’ve always comforted msyelf with singing, as I guess many of us do. Song is my salve and salvation. Your mom-friend sounds like a dear dear lady too, I imagine she loved to laugh.
Thank you all.
xoxoxo
On 18 July 2011 at 10:41 am Hilary said,
Hi Jannie and Jim .. that’s so fantastic to see you both here … remembering past times and realising how fantastically happy you both are .. it’s glorious to read .. inspiring for us all. So much in one post … delightful, though sad, read – many many thanks .. with big hugs xoxoxo Hilary
On 18 July 2011 at 1:45 pm Linda said,
Jannie, I am so sorry for your loss. Life comes with many disappointments and heartaches. It also comes with lots of sunshine, love and sweet memories. The best we can do is live each day completely. Take care!
On 18 July 2011 at 2:09 pm Vered | Blogger for Hire said,
So sorry!
On 18 July 2011 at 4:23 pm sheila said,
Awe, how incredibly sad! Lovely memories though! Love the last one!
On 18 July 2011 at 4:59 pm Jannie said,
Hello again, Dear Hilary. Yes, I have stopped moaning so much about and to Jim the past few days.
Makes you cherish the love you do have. Kelly’s been a little cranky tho, with so many playdates, a sleep-over and not adequate sleep. I’ll try to hang in with her tho, as much as I can. We did have a great car trip this morning on the way to her camp. She was jolly and happy. And probably many more comments yet to weigh in. I have not yet informed Mary and my mutual pals I’ve posted this.
Dear Linda, yes, we never know when a loved one will leave us in this realm. But it DOES come with sunshine and so many laughs and sweet times. I shall make a nice collage of Mary pix whenst I go through all I have and frame it to remind me how blessed I was to have her, and how blessed now to have so many here to love and who love me.
Dear Vered, yes this really sucks. There is a fine line in being a happy spirit living for fun and joy and letting it turn into something negative that destroys your body. I wish I could’ve helped her find peace on this planet, but that was not my charge. But my charge is to go forward with and from this moment to let my light shine.
Dearest Sheila, I actually switched the order of the 2 last photos after posting and had received some comments. I think the gorgeous gams shot was a better one to end up on, for those moments of fun are what will always reign in my heart when I remember Mary. Thank you, my dear.
xoxoxoxo
On 18 July 2011 at 10:12 pm Jana said,
hugs!
On 18 July 2011 at 11:01 pm cindy said,
So sorry for your loss Jannie
On 19 July 2011 at 10:07 am Jannie said,
Jana! Did you get my e-mail?? Sorry I was so long in getting back on that. Took a 3-day e-mail break. Missing Mary on and off, as I always will, but feeling better at the moment. And actually having fun in my little cave today. And I hope you are having fun too whatever you are up to. One thing that adds to my happiness today are my 6 lovely new highlighter pens for my chord charts,to help me memorize my songs better.
Cindy! hi, my dear. We know we all will have “to go” sometime, but Mary’s was too soon. Sucks. But life is for the living they say. And I am writing on another letter today, to Jo in England. I jsut put 5 teeny smiley-face stickers on it, to make it pretty, because my hand-drawn smilies are about the extent of my artistic prowess in sketch. i’ll leave that to you pros.
xoxoxoxo
On 19 July 2011 at 3:44 pm Glenn Buttkus said,
Group hugs are so well done here
in Funsterville. Odd that we never
seem to be prepared when we lose
a friend or a family member. We get
so busy living our life, finding joy
in the focus of our interests, and
in our children, that death sneaks
up and does his thing and we are
left with the shock and the sting
of facing our own mortality, and
the regret that we did not do more,
and be more to the one lost, the
one who has moved on. The tribute
by “Jim in Austin” brought a tear
to my eye. Quite a guy, that Big Jim.
On 20 July 2011 at 12:10 am Liara Covert said,
What a beautiful reflection. Know that when you love someone, they are never far. You always have a timeless connection through the heart. To the immortal soul, this life is simply another adventure and death does not exist except as feared by the mind.
On 20 July 2011 at 1:43 am J.D. Meier said,
I always hate good-byes.
But, you know how to say good-bye, in a way that says, lost, but not forgotten.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
On 20 July 2011 at 5:23 am Neo said,
Now if you’d only cop to eating that bird at the beach! You’re karma would rebound. Pifffffffffffff
On 20 July 2011 at 9:05 am Jannie said,
Dearest Glenn of the Washington Way, Big Jim in Austin is quite the dude, indeed. I still can’t believe he’s mine.
Dearest Liara, all so true what you say. A timeless connection of hearts. Death something the mind fears. And so many blessing to rejoice in today.
Dearest J.D. Goodbyes suck. Never to be forgotten will be our Mary. The rest of us drawing closer to see what we can do nice for each other.
Dearest Neo, my karma is as big and beautiful as I allow it to be, as it is for all of us. Love is reigning, as the wise ones say. I do like fried chicken!
xoxoxoxo
On 20 July 2011 at 11:24 am Aimee said,
Sorry to hear about your loss Jannie. It’s good that you have many memories and pictures. All the best, Aimee
On 20 July 2011 at 3:11 pm SnaggleTooth said,
Looks like you had such a great time with her at your wedding2. The pictures say it all… Sorry to hear you’ve just lost a dear, fun-loving, song-singing life companion. She made such a beautiful imprint on your heart That can never fade away! So lucky we are to know such people as we travel our way, they bring such joy to us.
Sorry she suffered from sclorosis n ulcers. My Gramps did too, but made it to 88 somehow- I get ulcers from work myself. Luckily I don’t drink anymore.
Neo is making a reference to the Missing Goose Formation I think- Somedays it’s easier to eat a silly Goose than dwell on so much sorrow- Keep on singing those healing tunes…
On 20 July 2011 at 6:08 pm Daisy said,
Oh, Jannie, I’m so sorry to hear about your friend’s passing. This is a lovely tribute to her. I’m sure she was a very dear and special person. Hugs to you as big as they come.
On 20 July 2011 at 6:30 pm Patricia said,
I wish you well in your journey with loss – it is always difficult but so wonderful to have pictures to share of those very happy moments of connection
On 20 July 2011 at 8:53 pm Jannie said,
Hey, Aimee, thank you. It was sudden to hear, and shocking. I do have some great photos, tho. And I’m sure my next post on Mary will be all of good memories.
Snaggle, your words are lovely, as usual. A lovely heart imprint indeed. I am sorry about your ulcers, they really hurt. Neo makes me laugh so much. The goose was on the tip of my mind as to what he was referring. Thanks for reminding me!
Daisy — I love those hugs from you as big as they come. THANKS!! I have grieved a lot and am looking back on all the good times now.
Thank you Dear Patricia. The day I heard Mary had died I got out my hoard of fine stationery and wrote a nice letter to my aunt. Took all my good writing paper out of storage to USE on special peeps. My good old stamps are about dwindled, but I hope the p.o. has some new pretty ones.
xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox
On 20 July 2011 at 9:54 pm KB said,
Sending you hugs sweetie.
On 21 July 2011 at 9:18 am Jannie said,
Thanks, KB. Her funeral is tomorrow. Wish I were there to sing Further Along. But I’ll sing it here in Texas, 2700 miles from home.
xoxooxoxxo
On 21 July 2011 at 9:32 am Hilary said,
Hi Jannie .. I’m sure your words and song from your heart will reach through – it’s not easy .. not being able to be there at times like these – I hope you can have a reflective, peaceful day .. with thoughts – Hilary
On 21 July 2011 at 7:05 pm Alice Audrey said,
Hugs for your loss – both in her death and in the distance before.
On 21 July 2011 at 10:53 pm Moondustwriter said,
so sorry sweetie – we just buried a dear friend this week. Never easy to say goodbye – those memories are precious as are you!!!
Miss ya lady – with One Stop packed I have time to visit the people I care about
On 22 July 2011 at 8:59 am Jannie said,
Thank you, Dearest Alice Audrey. After I post this comment and reply to comments on my next post I’m going to get the clips off my iPhone and finish her song. I wish I were there today for her memorial service. There will be a big crowd there.
Thank you, Dearest Moondust Writer. It is not easy being without a dear friend, not saying good-bye in person. I am so glad to see you, my special friend. I miss One Stop, but will be back over again, I promise.
xoxoxo
On 22 July 2011 at 8:10 pm Jannie said,
Dearest Maryellen,
Dad said your wake was really sad. And I’m sure it was.
He wasn’t at the funeral today, he’d fallen between the conveyor belt and a hay bale and hurt his chest, was taken to hospital by ambulance this morning.
Thankfully he is fine!
I am really sad.
And I look like crap when I cry.
But I miss you so much.
Meeshka is looking at me and knows something sad is up.
I played and sang Further Along today on my guitar! Too bad I learned guitar so “late.” We could’ve played together as our harmonies rang, you on piano.
BUT — I gotta stop this bellowing. I heard once crying can keep the deceased from being at peace.
So…
I love you.
I’ll always be grateful for your sweet smile.
On 23 July 2011 at 12:54 am Hilary said,
Hi Jannie .. such a nice touch to let us know that Maryellen’s journey has really begun to those sparkling diamonds of soul happiness fringed with rainbows – but your Dad .. so glad to hear he is ok – that must have been a little worrying ..
Don’t we all look awful when we blub .. but sing those gentle songs, or play those soft chords .. look after yourself this weekend .. with many thoughts – Hilary
On 23 July 2011 at 12:46 pm Jannie said,
Hi Dearest Hilary, it is so sweet of you to pop back in. You are awesome that way. And so many ways.
Yes, Dad hurt his muscles, was in a lot of pain, but thankfully is okay. He was very chipper on the phone last night — he had some codeine in him.
Yes, the crying face not the cutest one on us, usually.
I have just put up my new post about Aunt Sue’s letter.
And am now going to brush my teeth and do the dishes.
Going to the swimming pool / palm tree oasis later.
Love to you!!
xoxooxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoox
On 31 July 2011 at 12:58 pm Lisa said,
Oh, Jannie, I just popped in randomly because I’ve been gone far too long, and saw your very sad news. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve lost a dear friend! Sending you hugs from Chicago…
p.s. The pictures are beautiful!
On 1 August 2011 at 10:49 am Jannie said,
Hi Lisa — thank you so much for popping in again. I know I still “owe” you a blog visit. Hope all’[s well in Chicago. You ever go to “The Abbey” pub and grill? Saw it featured on “Bar Rescue” last night.
Yes, still can’t believe Mary is gone.
I’ll be recording her song in studio in early September. I hope it will be a nice one for the world.
I do really think it’s all about loving each other as much as we can.
xoxooxo
On 19 August 2011 at 1:15 am Margaret said,
Wow. That’s a tough one. To go from the sweet kitty post (I adore my cats too) to this poignant post. My heart if full.
On 19 August 2011 at 1:14 pm Jannie said,
Dearest Margaret, memories of Mary are woven into my life like the color of my eyes and the sound of my mother’s laughter. I still can’t believe she’s gone. Thank you for commenting. you are awesome, you know!
xooxox